Reservations for 1

>> Saturday, July 7

Bring....Bring...Bring...(don't laugh, it's my best word effect for a ringing phone)
Hostess: Chez Fear. How may I assist you?
Me : I would like to make a reservation for my fears and reservations.
Hostess: How many in your party?
Me: One. Definitely just  a party of one.

Yes, I said it. I have fears and I definitely a reservation about the current state of affairs called my romantic love relationship. Why is it that the future holds so many fears and reservations? Why can't life just be full of security and all-knowing comfort? Is this God's way of testing our faith? 

Hebrews 11:1 states, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen(NKJV). 

So what exactly am I hoping for? I pray to God that he shows me the evidence of the things that I wish to see. This brings me to my next question.... Are we seeing what we want to see or allowing God to show us the vision in his own way?.................................

I've been dating a guy, we shall now respectively call Man-child or Mr. C, for 5 years now. He is a really good guy, (there's always a but) but lately I've felt that the chemistry hasn't been there. On paper everything is there, he would be the type of guy most girls fight over (especially in this day and age where there are a limited supply of available quality black men. Yeah, I said it... Quality Black Men!) and you can present to your mother; however, in person like that famous song from B.B. King, the thrill is gone. 

He's like the feeling you get when you want to go to an amusement park to ride the newest, most thrilling, exciting ride in the park. You get to the park and you're the first one in line, high off fear and excitement and adrenaline pumping. You strap yourself into the seat awaiting the thrill of a lifetime only to be led astray by the hype that you built up in your own mind. Yeah, I know what you're thinking this is my fault. But, guess what!? IT'S NOT! So, the question is why am I still with him? That's what I'm trying to figure out. Don't get me wrong, I love him and he's a good person but there's something missing. I feel like like he is holding back from me, keeping me at an arms distance away but giving me just enough so that I'll hang around. 

From the time of his birth, Mama C has called him her "little prince", she has treated him as if he were a baby or a toddler, even to this day (He just turned 30). Mama C laughed on cue to his jokes, told him that out of his big Sister C, his little sister C and even Papa C, that he was her favorite. He was never required or pushed to go above and beyond or think outside the box. As long as he never did anything illegal or immoral and he took care of himself financially that was good enough for her.
Whatever he did was enough and Mama C was just content with that. 

In my house we were pushed to be greater than great and be better than our best. It's a lot to live up to and the pressure can be daunting sometimes. Mr. C and I argue a lot, whether or not I go over board with my failure is not an option and excellence is my signature soapbox talk, but I can't help what has been in bred in me from birth. Sometimes Mr. C feels I should take a "chill pill" and join his magical mystery tour  of life that is being lazy and just allowing life to happen but that "ain't" happenin'. I've got a vision for my life and no where in that plan does it come to pass by me being lazy.  Somebody's has to be the adult and in charge, in this relationship and I guess that somebody would have to be me. 

We argue over why I'm so serious all time but it's like I tell him: if we were just friends, I would have no problem with you being lackadaisical in important decisions but because we are in a long-term relationship those decisions take on a whole new meaning. You are no longer responsible and acting just for yourself , you have another person to consider as well. You are responsible for not only your future but my future as well and vice versa. I want to put my faith and trust in him but I just feel that I will be doing more harm than good to myself later on down the line.  

To give you a little bit more insight into Mama C and Mr. C's relationship, two years ago Mama C mailed (Mama C lives in South Carolina), Mr. C a valentine's gift. Mr. C received a personally heart stamped box filled with various personal items and most importantly, a miniature valentine version of a scooby-doo lunch box with loose valentines M&M's inside. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that Mama C and Papa C love and adore Mr. C because any man who plans on loving any woman needs to have received love in order to give love. 

Please believe when I say that I love and adore his family, they are the salt the earth. There is no question that his parents love him but is it too much? In a way I feel that because they love him so much there is no room in his heart for my love. Is the love from Mama C hindering us from taking our relationship to the next level or am I reading too much into a very healthy loving relationship between a mother and son? Are my fears of where our relationship is going creating scenarios in my already overactive imagination? Just a question.


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