Giving - Space - Pt. 2

>> Wednesday, February 10

Earlier that day I had been feeling pretty dark about the state of the world.  I was wondering if there really were any decent people left in the world.  Then this happened.  My faith in humanity was restored. - written by Hot Fuzz at A Police Wife Blog.

Officer Big Daddy, is a 10 year officer and veteran military police officer. He has seen and experienced dangerous situations and risked everything to serve and protect the people of his community. Even though I have family and friends that are police officers and members of the armed forces, I am very new to this life in regards to being involved with someone whose career is law enforcement.

When I first met Officer Big Daddy, I was scared out of my mind about his job. I did not know how to handle him carrying his gun everywhere he went (I'm okay with it now, besides I really don't have choice because he's going to anyway) or how to handle my emotions seeing him put on his vest as he goes to work (I still feel queasy watching him put it on but I'm learning to cope with it). I know that both his gun and vest are there to protect him and I should be thankful for the security that they both bring but it's just tough for me to wrap my mind around the reasoning why he wears them. I know there are a people out there that want to do him harm just because he's a police officer or get back at him for arresting them, so for me the vest represents the unknown dangers he walks into every day. All I can do is cover him in prayer and scriptures and allow God to do what I can't, and that's to be with and protect him. Maybe I read too many books as a child or saw too many movies but my mind is very imaginative and I'm always thinking the worse but ever hoping and praying for the best when I see him leave or when I know he is at work.

Officer Big Daddy has told me repeatedly that because of his job, he felt that it has taken away some of his innocent thoughts about life and that he sees another side to people that I may or may not see. When I read those four sentences from Hot Fuzz, I knew that it was not just Officer Big Daddy who felt this way. Officer Big Daddy, battles internally (I see his mind wheel turning when he looks at me) when it comes to me. He doesn't know whether or not he really wants me to go down this road that is his life. He also is gauging my reactions to different situations to see if I can really handle it. He told me once that he was slightly envious of the joy and innocence I possess because I had no idea the way the REAL world functions. I'm glad I don't see his view of the world and I don't think I want to experience it so I am very grateful for all that he does for the people in his community. I am grateful to all law enforcement officers everywhere, so I don't have to live my life knowing their version of the real world.

I don't push Officer Big Daddy on telling me how his day was or how he is feeling because if he wants to share, he will, but I'm not going to push him. I've learned that the emotional wall he puts up comes with the territory. I know that his silence is his way of protecting not just me but his family and loved ones from the evils he faces at work. It's a cop's way of coping with the stresses of the job by shutting down communication, processing things internally so that they can handle the emotional and physical rigors of the job. It's a way to protect not only them and their loved ones from their daily work reality. It's hard for me to to deal with sometimes because the nature of my nurturing heart is to make all the hurt and disappointments disappear but I know that it's not possible.

I catch myself sometimes talking about something that happened in my day that really upset me only to see him looking at me like, 'really that's it - that's all you got'. What I view as a major issue or really upsetting is trivial to him in regards to what he happens to deal with it on a day to day basis. I try to be understanding and not inundate him with my craziness, sometimes it's hard but I do try to keep things light, fun and breezy.

Why would you want to deal with a person who shuts down communication with you? I get this question a lot when I talk about Officer Big Daddy with my friends but you have to understand me as a person to know why I do what I do. Lil Wayne said it best, 'if you understand me, you got one up on me because I don't even understand me'. My pastor once said, 'your personality will get you hired but your character will get you fired'. Officer Big Daddy's personality and character more than make up for the communication factor. You would have to see what I see in him to understand why I am so drawn to him and what keeps me around. I somewhat understand and know why he does what he does. All I know is that if it continues to keep him safe and pulled together mentally, spiritually and emotionally then I'm good - I will not complain. 

Do I wish he talked to me more often about what is going in his life and what goes on at work? Yes, absolutely if I felt that it would help him, I'm all for talking but I know that he won't. His talking to me probably will help me more than him because it would ease some of my own personal fears about the job but until he is comfortable talking to me, it is what it is. Just expressing my emotions and concerns to people who have experience in law enforcement or have been or are in a law enforcement relationship is helping. I give Officer Big Daddy his space but, I always leave the door open for him to come in whenever he wants to talk.

I'm learning as I go along about the mindset of a police officer and who knew that there were so many things that goes on behind the scenes that people don't see. I know when people get pulled over, they want to think the worst of the officer and call them everything but a child of God (as they get their citation) but do we ever stop and think that this officer is a person too and has his own family? Do we ever think that the officer goes the through the same range of emotions we do but probably feels them 10x more extreme than you or I ever will? Since, I've known Officer Big Daddy I've found myself seeing cops in a different light, I see the more human side of them; not the type "A" personalities that make them good cops but the true men and women they are behind their badges.



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