Be A Priority And Not An Option

>> Wednesday, March 24

“Never let someone be your priority, while you remain their option.”
~ Anonymous
I'm the person my friends always come to for advice even if it's at 1 or 3 o'clock in the morning. I got one of those calls this morning just when I was just getting to sleep, from a friend calling in me tears about the state of her relationship and how it was over between her boyfriend and her. My friend was in a long-term relationship like me (5 years) and her significant other called her up and told her that he didn't have the same passion he once had for her and wanted to take a break to date other people and see what his options were. Whoooooooo!!!!!! That's all I can say without incorporating a few colorful choice words for him. I really wasn't prepared for this call, especially since my own wounds haven't fully healed. However, me being the friend that I am I just couldn't let her suffer alone. I packed up my "Girlfriend Break-Up Kit", wearing my pajamas and all and headed over to her house for a very long and tearful night. She just kept asking over and over, 'what did I do wrong?' Instead of blaming him for his stupidity and ignorance in not seeing and respecting the beautiful and wonderful woman that she is and how much she loved and cared for him over the years, she decided to blame herself and it got me thinking about how I had the same mentality, asking the same question and crying the same tears; along with plenty of other women as well (even some men). The process in breaking up is brutal especially if you don’t see it coming, you blame yourself, going over the things you should have done differently and how if they take you back, what you will change. Unfortunately, in relationships the other person doesn’t have to live with these emotions, they are just on to the next one leaving you holding the emotional baggage. For my girl, I offered up the best advice from one of best guy friends, which helped me when I was going through my own break-up. He told me, ‘never let someone be your priority, while you remain their option’.

It’s no secret I have a weakness -- I see people better than they really are or better than they see themselves. My expectations and trust of people always gets the best of me because I place them high on top of the totem pole instead of leaving room for their faults and issues so, when they do something that goes against what I think of them; I always, always end up being disappointed and in tears. When getting involved in a romantic relationship this kind of thinking has always lead to my own personal heartbreak because I chose to make a man my priority when he only considers me his option. 

I am no longer choosing to be this way, at this point and stage in my life I am choosing to be selfish in life and in love. I'm choosing to look out for me and no one else. Everyone, who reads this blog or is apart of my circle of friends, already knows that I got out of a 7-year relationship nine months ago and not just 3 months after our break-up he proposed to someone else. I should feel a little jaded about life and love, but I don't.  The thing that pisses me off more than anything about that situation is I gave up so much, such as job opportunities, to be with him because I believed in and trusted him. Not only that, he knew for the last two years (2 YEARS - he told me that himself) of our relationship (even after he proposed to me, mind you) that he didn't want to me marry me. He didn't say anything or make mention of having doubts to me at all. He never once communicated to me he was having cold feet or doubts; he just acted like his same old self. One night I went to sleep in a relationship and the next morning I woke up, sat down at the breakfast table and was left sitting there single and alone. He deserves an Oscar for his performance because I, nor anyone around us, saw the break-up coming. All of that is neither here nor there at this point because I met BD as a result of his stupidity and I am very grateful. I think I should send him and his new fiancĂ©e a quiche or bottle of champagne for making my life that much better. I say all that to say this, had I been paying attention and realizing that hey, I'm no longer first in his life, he's not talking to me like he used to, something in him has changed; then maybe I would have realized I had became an option to him. With options, there are choices, with choices there are decisions and as you can see he decided not to choose me.

In 2010, my year of possibilities, I am choosing to be my own priority and not anyone's option. Don’t know whether you are someone’s option or priority let me help you: Being an option is not a relationship; you are just filling a void for that particular time and place. You probably see each other when it is convenient for the other person, without them considering if it works for you. When you are an option, you can solely be a collector’s item added to the gallery of various other treasures, just to stroke their ego. Being an option means getting that last minute call when all their other plans have fallen through and you are their last resort. Don’t call me at 7 o’clock in the evening on a Saturday and ask if I want to go on a date because you are most likely going to get called everything but a child of God. As a side note, I don’t do catchall phrases either; if you want to see me then all you have to do is be upfront and ask me. Don’t beat around the bush and give hints, trying to prod me into introducing the idea. The worst I could say was no, I’m busy or no, I don’t want to and usually I’m not going to do that if I have a free schedule: especially if I’m interested in you. Back to options and priorities…. Being an option also means having a purely sexual relationship –no dates, no conversations, no meeting friends and family, just purely sexual. When you are priority, you know that you are a priority. Being a priority is being in a relationship; it does not need to be spoken where and with whom you are spending your free time, you both are making time for each other according to both schedules and are making plans in advance. Being a priority is like being a rare one of a kind precious item that someone will whole-heartedly cherish and will always be the featured showcase, their pride and joy. Being a priority is not just about the sex; it’s about building a foundation of friendship that blossoms into a solid and firm relationship. It means going on dates, having good conversations, meeting the important people in his/ her life. If you are a priority and it’s important to him/her then they should make an effort to incorporate you into their life and vice versa. Get the picture? If you are being treated like an option instead of a priority, all I ask is that you have the courage to walk away.  
 
A friend of mine once told me this and it has always stuck with me:
Women are like the apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. BOYS don't want to reach for the good ones, because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead they get the rotten apples from the ground that are not as good, but easy to get to. So, the apples at the top of the tree think something is wrong with them, when in reality they are amazing! They just have to wait for the RIGHT MAN to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb to the top and reach for his perfect apple.

When it comes to me, I choose to sit tight for the right man to come along, climb to the very top of the tree and pick me. Wait, what about BD? How does he fit in your new method of thinking? Whether that man is BD or not, I don’t know. BD knows how I feel about him and I know how he feels about me but experiencing what I’ve gone through with relationships, feelings hold no bucket of water for me. Yes, I love BD but nothing changes, if I am not a priority in BD’s life than I most certainly am not going to be his option; I will not stick around just wishing and hoping for his love and attention. I don’t care how wonderful he treats me but if there is no future for us, than I have to shoot the deuces, shed a couple of tears (because he is a good guy) and keep it moving. Words hold no weight with me anymore; I believe only half of what I hear and all of what I see. BD is from Missouri, the show me state, so he can appreciate this when I say this – I’ll believe it when I see it! All I’m going to do is make decisions for my happiness and me and not worry about all the rest. Until otherwise noted, not implied, but noted, I’m going to do me. For the most part, BD treats me like a priority anyway, if he’s not and making me an option than he's very good at acting; but I think he's on the up and up. I only have one thing that irks me, just a little, about BD but it is who he is and either I'm going to learn to love and deal with it or not. It comes with the job, so whaddya’ gonna do? 

I've learned in my own personal situation and watching my friend go through hers, that no matter how much you make someone a priority in your life, if they only treat you as an option you need to run as fast as your feet can carry you. I don't care how good of a person you are, you can be an angel sent down from heaven, but if they don't realize how special you are or if they are not in a place where they are prepared and ready to receive you, don't even waste your time. People DO NOT change, they show you exactly who they are and it is what it is. I shouldn’t have to coerce, convince, rationalize, trick, manipulate, buy, or plead with ANYONE to love me; either you do or you don't. If a person can't remotely even say the words I LOVE YOU and you've been exclusive for a while then there is nothing left for me to do but say goodbye. I've learned not to be afraid of leaving or just simply saying goodbye. You can’t make anyone stay in your life. It’s not that they are a bad people, it just means that you are not traveling in the same direction, so let them hop off at the next train stop and keep your focus on where you're headed and just be mindful that eventually one of the passengers you stop for will be going in your direction and will share the same final destination. A relationship can only last as long as BOTH parties want the other involved. If one of you decides you want out that is it; it’s no more, it’s finished, it’s over, it’s done and dead!

Life is too short to play with people's emotions, that’s how people get hurt and nowadays get killed – example no. 1: Steve McNair. I’m the type to just walk away from you and leave it at that but some of these people around here need much prayer and therapy – they’ll kill a person for simply not calling on the phone. Ladies and gentleman, I have a request – it’s simple but necessary, start being accountable for your actions. If you know you don’t want the relationship to progress any longer or don’t see it going anywhere, please be man or woman enough to say so and let them go. If you are tempted and/ or preoccupied by other people and things, let them go. If you know that your heart is not in the relationship or you are not putting forth the same amount of energy into it as the other person, let them go. STOP BEING SELFISH!!!!!! JUST LET THEM GO!!!!!!  

I hope that my past experience and my friend’s current situation is a lesson and an example to any women and men (it can happen to them to) that one should never get so comfortable in a relationship, even if you’re married/ committed -- it can happen to you too, that’s much worse but I don’t want to even touch that. Most times, what you put out is what you receive back. If you consistently run into the same problems in life or you feel like you are repeating the same things over and over, maybe YOU are doing something wrong. Try a new approach, stop putting other people before your own happiness if they are not willing to be selfless and make you a top priority in their life. My advice, be cautious but courageous in who you give your heart to. If you both agree to make each other a priority then make the decision every day to truly be who you are and choose to be in that relationship and commit to it. Relationships take work - from both people involved, not just one person. Nothing is perfect 100% of the time, but when both people are willing to put in the work, a loving relationship with a deep connection is the prize at the end of the day. When you are feeling like your relationship is in a rough spot then there is nothing wrong with doing a relationship system check every once in a while to check or reenergize the status of your relationship.

I’m writing this at 5 o’ clock in the morning just as my friend has finally cried herself to sleep (I’m going to pay for this later on in the day but it‘s worth making sure that she knows someone is there for her), I feel so bad for her and understand her pain but whether she knows it or not, this may just be the best thing for her and God may have someone greater for her around the corner. It’s going to be hard for her to deal with this for a while but she has me and all of her other friends to support her during this time and remind her that she is a rare one of a kind vault diamond and should expect to be treated as such. When you walk into an established jewelry store and not a chain jewelry store, there is a vault in the back off the showroom floor that they keep the most prized and most expensive jewels. You see, any and everyone can come in and view, touch and try on the diamonds in the case on the floor but only a person of high esteem, who has been found worthy will be taken to the vault to view and touch the most valuable gems, not the ones in the floor cases. I want my girl to know that she is the diamond in the vault and that a man who wants to even get a glimpse of her beauty and glory, needs to have clearance not to just go back and gaze upon her but to actually purchase because she is just that precious and rare. Don’t be the diamonds in the case, be a vault diamond. Would you want something that anyone can touch or try on? Absolutely not! So, if you want someone worthy of going to the vault looking specifically for you, then you first have to be and know that you are worthy yourself. 
Please know, that there is no definite formula or hard rules when it comes to dating or relationships, you have to do what you are comfortable with so know your boundaries and don’t waiver, there is somebody who’ll say, I will respect your opinions, I will provide you with what you need (not just financial but what you really need emotionally, physically, sexually and spiritually) and I WILL LOVE YOU. You might have to go through some bad breakups and bad situations but all of that is to teach you to know what you do and don’t want. It’s to teach you to set your boundaries and stick to them. It’s to teach you that you are so worthy of so much more and if you hold on the right one will come along and confirm it. Patience is a virtue.

“You gotta dance like nobody’s watching.

Dream like you will live forever.

Live like your going to die tomorrow.

And love like it’s never going to hurt.” 


19 comments:

Anonymous April 16, 2010 at 5:50 AM  

Hi Trini, I was googling the words 'options and priority'because i felt like I'm being the option while he's priority to me. Your post have set things even more clear to me. People won't change and making them change is only a waste of time. I used to think the option can change into priority over time, but i know better now. Especially 'filling the void' part is so eye-opening. I'm going to make him fill my void instead from now on.

Trini GRITS April 16, 2010 at 3:46 PM  

Thanks for visiting the blog. I write so that I can help myself and deal with my issues but if I can help someone else in the process, then that's a bonus and a blessing.

I stand by my words 100%, people DO NOT CHANGE, doesn't matter how good you are or how much you want them to; they just won't. See people and trust them when they tell you who they are. I thought the same way you did, I thought if I loved a man with all of my being and gave him everything he wanted, then he would be everything I needed and wanted. People just don’t work like that; we are selfish creatures by nature – some more than others but selfish nonetheless. We want what we want and to Hades with all the rest. My advice is just to focus on you, be selfish with the person that you are.

Understand this, you are the prize and that he has to get in the game, work hard and play to win. If he’s not into to win it, then I say he doesn’t make the starting line-up and can ride the bench. It’s just that simple. Here’s a secret: If you put dating and relationships into sporting terms, guys get it and understand. Who knew?!!

Men understand boundaries and only push the envelope to test the limits. Just be firm and consistent, and don’t leave any room for questions. When it comes to filling the void, I say fill your own void – date yourself, make him get on your schedule. If they don’t want to make time for you or go on dates with you, go out on your own or hang out with friends. Trust me, when they start feeling like they are at best your 2nd or 3rd option or you don’t have the time to be bothered with their foolishness, SOME and I do mean some, will get the picture and do what’s necessary if they want to remain the star on your squad. Test my hypothesis, and see how it works out for you.

Anonymous May 23, 2010 at 2:53 AM  

Hi Trini,
Thank you so much.
you spoke what i am going through. I realised i was just an option, but never dared to walk out. I am going through a very difficult phase in my life. I wish i can give the same pain, i feel one should not do this to a person especially who loves you so much and who is ready to do anything for love. I need help to make this bold decision in a smart way, because the person who is giving me this pain is smart enough to blame for all that happened and walk away leaving me in pain as if i was the one responsible for all this.

Trini GRITS June 2, 2010 at 1:12 PM  

Admitting and knowing you need to walk out of a bad situation is the first step in order to head in the direction. As much as I know you want to make the other person feel just even a little bit of how you are feeling, they will truly never feel pain to the impact you are feeling. I tried myself, to make my ex feel the same pain I was feeling but he just couldn't empathize the feelings and emotions I was going through. Every time I tried to make him realize how much he hurt me all it did was make him angry. It was when I started living my life for me and ignoring the little things that he did to intentionally set me off, is when he started being concerned with me and my feelings. Due to me ignoring him and not having time to give to anymore of his foolishness, the table quickly turned - where he was calling me every day to ask if if I was okay.

The best advice I can offer to you is just live for you and only you. Get to know you better and find out what makes you happy. Nothing makes a past love (especially if the relationship ended badly) more jealous than when they see you being happy and making your dreams come true. Ralph Waldo Emerson said it best when he stated, " Nothing external to you has any power over you." Don't give anyone full command over your emotions and life. You are the master of your fate and captain of your soul. I hope this gives you some encouragement to be bold and leave a bad situation. Let me know how everything works out.

If you want to further discuss your situation personally in depth, please shoot me an email I will gladly be glad to offer you some advice.

Anonymous July 8, 2010 at 4:32 AM  

Hello Trini,

Thank you so much, it helps me lot thank you thank you ...

Anonymous November 20, 2010 at 4:10 AM  

All these years I thought I was the only one to have experienced this but now I realize I am not. To be told staight out that I was "an option" and that he didnt' want rule out other options (after 15 years), it was like a kick to the stomache. I feel very thankful for finding this blog.

Anonymous February 8, 2011 at 8:10 AM  

No doubt that after reading this blog i am convinced that i should just move on.. and not remain stuck where i am now.. I have been breaking up with him amny times.. but just coz i loved him i didnt stop talking to him and wanted him to remain as a fren.. which never did work..
He has been v.v. imp to me throughout( anrd 1.5 years).. He is the only peson i feel comfortable discussing anything and whenever i m in trouble my heart reaches out for him..
Initailly he said he cud nt commit coz of his family,they are very conservative. ( caste system in india) but now he says lets not discuss about dis.. It may even turn into long term thing.. lets just settle ourselves..and achieve something in life.. but what if i dont meet his "conditions"??I will be the one who will be screwed.. No doubt he takes care of me and loves me.. but i feel m an option when it comes to calling me(we are in different cities since two months) when he is hanging out with frens ,introducing me to anyone or his family..
I have tried to break up with him so many times.. but just cudn't do it.. he persuades me eventually and i start missing him too.. what should i do..??? please help me out.. i think that i should leave him and move ahead.. but i dont have the guts do throw him out of my life.. :( how should i convey this to him.. so taht atleast we remain in talking terms for the rest of our lives..

EnglishRose August 4, 2011 at 10:03 AM  

this has been really interesting for me to read all of this and i can really relate to it all. I am currently really depressed with another split from my boyfriend of 9 years and this isnt the first break up, i always ask myself why i cant just walk away but constanly find myself going back. Nothing of any level of high severity has ever given me cause to leave but sometimes there have been strong levels of arguments and constant bickering. :( all i can think of is him even with other guys showing interest- it means nothing to me. i really feel as though i should seek medical help sometimes my family would like me to leave him and this also means alot to me...

Anonymous August 28, 2011 at 5:30 PM  

This is a wonderful and educational...compassionate and loving writing...wow..Thanks for this..I was looking up this saying for a friend when this blog post came up...

Anonymous October 16, 2011 at 7:35 PM  

I really want to thank you for these amazingly intelligent words. I recently came out of a relationship where I was always the option and not the priority. A month after we broke up we started hooking up again. I knew it wasn't a good idea but at the time I couldn't help it. I was still in love. After reading your blog I finally have the courage to break the hold he has on me. Thank you.

Anonymous January 6, 2012 at 4:34 AM  

I too was looking up the priority quote. I am drunkenly wetting up my ipad with tears as i type. I wasnt even in a relationship and i KNEW it. I just pretended i was in one and made up all kinda excuses as to why he wasnt in one with ME. Fu€k him. Im fu€king amazing. Its me.

I know its me. I just dont know how to fix it. Im so nroken inside . Im 35 and so lonely....no kids, no prospects. I keep trying to turn fu€ks into relationships. Which i know is like the stupidest thing to do, but i feel like its all i know. I excel everywhere else in life, but here.

I have this pain in my soul that i cant erase no ,atter how hard i try. I never feel likemim good enough. Wheni was 17 and didnt kniw better, i made a man my priority. I havent been the same since. Ive been someones option for the last 20yrs. I keep self helping, medicating, therapying, excercising myself into feeling better but the feeling just keeps coming back.

Im sorry i posted this all over your blog, but i have no one else to really share it with cuz i have no real friends. The internet had been my friend since aol was sending out cds.

I know i'll feel better in the morning, but fu€k im tired of hurting and feeling worthless for what feels like all the days of my life.

Anonymous May 1, 2012 at 10:57 PM  

Thank you Trini for writing this blog. My fiance has just left me and my son and I was going through the same thing. I have a huge heart and it get hurts so easily. Even after he asked me to marry him he had treated me as an option when it was convenient for him. I tried so hard, I did everything for him. I tried to give him everything he wanted and do everything for him and he hurt me so much. I have cried and cried and even went as far as to buy a new bedroom suite because I couldn't sleep in my own room after the breakup. I have been a wreck for 4-5 months straight. I needed to read this blog because I needed the advice you have given. I am still hurting and wanting all of my "why" questions answered. Thank you for helping me realize how much of a fool I have been by letting him get the best of me. I have so much I am working on and I am getting better everyday. I just have to realize that I didn't do this and that this is not my fault even though he is trying to manipulate me into thinking that it is and that I am responsible for it all. I can't be and I am not allowing the manipulation anymore. Thank you Trini

Anonymous July 30, 2012 at 1:26 AM  

Hi,
So much resonates with what I went through. Thanks for sharing!

Anonymous October 8, 2012 at 8:58 AM  

omg i love u. thank you for validating my thoughts! <3

lydia October 8, 2012 at 8:59 AM  

i love u, thank u for validating my thoughts! <3

Anonymous February 4, 2013 at 12:03 AM  

Thanks for sharing. The time has come for me to let him go.

Anonymous May 9, 2013 at 4:58 PM  

This is the truth I needed to hear....or read I should say.....I already knew it but this totally confirms it.......I totally relate.....thank you Trini

Anonymous June 5, 2013 at 10:53 AM  

I'm going through this right now and I've chosen to ignore him and move him. It's not as bad as I thought! Thanks for making me feel stronger!

mike June 5, 2013 at 4:18 PM  

Thank you so much. I've been an option to a woman I love for some time and I needed to let her go. It was very hard for me to let her go. Just today, after I read your blog, I called her and told her it is over. I've always made time for her but she never does the same anymore.

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