What’s Up With Trini GRITS In Life and Love?

>> Thursday, March 11

Sorry for the post free days, I’ve been battling some things privately that were just a bit stressful for me and needed my full attention but I’m back now and feeling renewed. Nietzsche said, “that which does not kill us makes us stronger.” I still have a few things to deal with it but I’m not going to stress over it and just keep it moving. Life is too precious to be hung up on “minor” details. I’ve been keeping on the forefront of my mind Philippians 3:14 - I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in the Anointed Jesus. I just keep repeating to myself that, where I am right now is not where I’m going or where I will end up and if I keep focused, I’ll get where I need to be when I need to be there.

Here's what I've been up to in the past week in life and love:

I heard some disturbing news recently; someone I knew of had committed suicide. We may never know his reasoning behind why he took his own life but the realization that someone as talented and intelligent would do this, shook me to my core. I started thinking about how life is so precious and what I was doing in my life to live up to my potential. I started thinking about the way I live my life and if I was truly living for me or living according to the world’s standard of living. If I was doing what everyone wanted me to do because it made sense to him or her, but in reality didn’t make sense for me and the vision I had for my life. Life is short and you only get one opportunity to do with it as you please, so I want to live it the fullest and no regrets. If I’m going to live my life, I want to do it my way and my way only. 

I’ve decided to go back to school full-time to study nursing to become a nurse practitioner specializing in either adult primary care or women’s health/ midwifery. While I’m still young and not attached to anything or anyone, this will be a perfect time to focus on this new phase in my life. I’m looking forward to it. I have put it off and put it off for years by focusing on all the wrong things and now I’m ready.  So look for my posts on school, nursing and all the fun things that will be going on during this time.

I was not sure that I was going to write this or much less publish it because BD reads this blog but he respects my feelings and opinions, so I figured it was okay. I don’t want to make him upset or uncomfortable in anyway but writing is cathartic for me and I need to get this out.

Recently, maybe the last three days I have been having doubts about BD and I. Why, you ask? You make him sound wonderful. BD, is very wonderful, he is all that I describe him to be and more. I am so glad to know him and have him in my life but that still doesn’t stop me from having doubts about us. It’s not BD and what he may or may not be doing, it has everything to do with me. I’ve tried to bury my concerns but I can’t just let it go. After talking to one of my girls, she assured me that it’s okay to feel how I feel, it’s natural and normal. Maybe I’m still reeling and having anxiety attacks because of my last relationship but I can’t put my finger on what’s bothering me, I just don’t know what it is.

I, sometimes feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, I’m waiting for BD to say ‘okay, it was great getting to know you but we must part ways’. It’s like waiting for your relationship to end before it’s even begun. You have to understand why I feel so paranoid about this. I was in a relationship for 7 years with a man that I thought I was going to marry. A man that I put my trust in, a man that I knew in my heart would never, ever do anything to harm me until one morning he got up and said ‘you are not the one, I don’t love you anymore and I’ve found someone else and I love her and want to start a life with her’. Those were his exact words. How’s that for a good start to the day? Now you see, why I’m so freaked out. I’ve made my peace with the ex situation except for one thing. I now feel that any man I come in contact with from here on out is not in it for the long haul and will leave regardless if I do all the right things. I can be the absolute perfect woman and it will never be enough and he will just leave anyway. Am I wrong to feel that way?

BD is such a good man, he’s patient, he has a good heart and whether or not he wants to admit he has a great spirit; I don’t want to mess this up or lose him but I can’t shake what I’m feeling. Don’t get me wrong, I love BD more than anything and I know he loves me too but I can’t help but feel that no matter how good everything is going, he will just decide I am not what he wants. Yes, I know that is a part of dating and life but 7years is a long time for someone, not married, to be in a relationship one day and wake up the next and realize you are by yourself. It felt like a divorce, it still does because I can’t talk to his family anymore and I love and adore them all especially his niece- who love more than life itself. It kills me that I won’t get to be a part of her life anymore but it is what it is. 

A couple of months ago, back in December, my fears snuck up on me and I tried to walk away from BD; it also didn’t help that I had other people in my ear telling me that he wasn’t good for me and that we wouldn’t be happy together and had nothing in common (they were very much wrong). I wrote BD and told him that I couldn’t be with him and I didn’t think we were a right fit together (I was wrong). I cried my eyes out, after the fact, for like two days because I couldn’t believe that I had done that. It was just my fear getting to me that I needed to leave him before he left me. I almost lost him (he was disappointed and hurt) but BD being the man he is, wasn’t ready to give up on me and we mutually decided to start over, I’m glad he has the heart that he does and gave me another opportunity because I couldn’t imagine life without knowing him now.

  I’m just going to keep working and building on the friendship that BD and I have, and work on my fears internally. It’s going to be a day-to-day process but anything worth having is worth fighting for. I’m not going to wait for the bad to happen but look forward to the good and all that the universe has for BD and I. Who knows what the future has in store for me and what great things are headed my way. I’m going to refocus my negative energies and fears and channel them into improving upon myself, and the relationship. 


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