Visions of Marital and Motherhood Bliss Danced in Her Head

>> Friday, May 28

Depending on what day of the week or what mood I was in when you ask me, I used to think I didn’t want to get married and have children. I think that has to do with the leftover sour taste in my mouth from my previous relationship but over the last week or so, I’ve been really mulling over the possibility of what married life and motherhood would be like, especially with BD. I’m not viewing in my sugary fantasy, constant and continuous marital bliss or motherhood perfection because I know it won’t be, and I’m okay with that. When you work in the industry I work in, dealing with weddings and special events, you only get one opportunity to make it perfect and there are no room for excuses or mistakes; so it’s a little hard for me to turn the perfection machine off when it comes to my personal life outside of work.

I’ve always dreaded getting married or having kids because I would want everything to be perfect and in order for that to happen in my mind I would have to control all aspects and parties involved and it just simply is not possible. Everyone has his or her own personalities, likes and dislikes, opinions and decisions. I’ve grown up and realized that I can’t control everything and that people are whom they are and there is nothing I can do about it. People disappoint you sometimes but that’s their bag they have to carry and not yours. I know I can find a good comfortable place in the idea of marriage, but motherhood still makes me a little nervous. Not that I don’t love kids because I really do, but I envision my children hating me because I would be that mom that would love her kids too much and they would hate me just for that reason alone. I understand that at some point in their lives kids go through these phases of “I don’t need mom and dad” and “I have the meanest, strictest parents in the world” but it would break my heart if my kid stood in my face and told me they hated me. I know they are going to but it would still be devastating. All I want is to raise healthy, well-rounded, happy children who know that I will go without just so that I can provide them with all the tools necessary so that they can live a happy and successful life. If in the end if they understand that, then I guess the process to getting them there will be all worth it. I know we’ll have some good and bad days but as long as my children know that I love them more than life itself and that what I do is out of love then we’ll be okay.

I had a dream the other night that BD and I were married, happy together and happy to be raising our children. Normally dreams like that scare me and freak me out, but I woke up and I thought it was really nice and that I’d like to be living that life with BD even with the good and the bad. I’ve really been thinking hard the last 2 to 3 weeks about where I want this relationship to go and what I would be willing to do to make sure that we are both happy and understand each of our expectations for the relationship. It’s opened me up to a whole new bag of feelings and emotions, but it feels good and I’m not scared at all.

I’m still working out my issues on the idea of being a wife and mother but my relationship with BD has given me many happy thoughts about it. The relationship I have with BD is the most relaxed and comfortable relationship I have ever been in. We are very different in a lot of ways, we’re okay with agreeing to disagree on some points of view and both agree that we are very similar in some of the things we like and dislike. I can see myself being married to BD, definitely being very happy in life with him and raising a family. Who knows what the future may hold for us and if BD finds me worthy enough to be in his life for the rest of our lives. Proverbs 18:22 states that “Whoever finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor of the LORD.” I hope BD finds me to be a good thing.


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