Missing Opportunities and The List - Response to 5 Traits In A Mate That Are Not Deal Breakers and Stop Being So Picky

>> Sunday, June 6

By now, I hope you all have had a chance to read 5 Traits In A Mate That Are Not Deal Breakers and Stop Being So Picky. I found both of these articles to be interesting especially since my friends and I were having a recent discussion on the type of men we wanted to marry and whether or not we had a mental checklist to compare the men we meet, date and love to. We all know I had my little list about what I wanted in a man, but since having met BD that has all changed. When it comes to dating/ relationships we all have a vision of what we desire (some don't and those are the ones I feel sorry for) in a mate, good, bad, and indifferent; however some of the qualities we desire are somewhat on the superficial side. We focus on the nonessential instead of the important essential needs that help us be our better selves. 

How many times do we say that there are not any good men/ women out there? We make lists and check them off as if we are shopping in a grocery store. Women require men to be a guy's guy who is super athletic, extremely romantic, intelligent, powerful  in regards to career and breathtakingly handsome. Guy's want a woman who is funny, laid-back / low maintenance, porn star in the bedroom, supportive, non-combative, sweet as apple pie, excellent cook with a super model figure and face.


How many relationships have we ended because the person we are with doesn't have ALL 200 or so characteristics of the desired  traits we want? How many times do we let great people walk out of our lives because we feel that someone better and who meets all of our "requirements" will come along? I'll be the first to raise my hand that I have done that. I've walked away from some great guys because I felt at the time I would find someone better that would better represent in totality all of the things I desired. I wanted it all the whole package and I did not want to settle for anything less. When you base your desires off of superficial wants instead of truly desiring the important needs, you end up in a relationships that are not beneficial to either party and can result in more heartache and headache then you intended.     


Let's talk about me and BD for a moment. If had allowed other people's opinions and  my so-called "expectations criteria list" define the man I wanted instead of the man I needed, I would've never felt or experienced what I feel for BD. If you've read my previous post on what I want in a man, then you know that I had an extensive list of what I wanted in man and I've learned that I can't be in control of everything. A list is not an actual person with life experiences, emotions, every day problems and situations.


After first meeting BD, I tried several, and when I say several - I mean several (Thank God, BD is patient and has a kind heart), times to walk away and end whatever potential relationship we were going to have even before one even began for two reasons:


1. I allowed other people to get inside my head and ear and gave them permission to tell me that he would not be good for me (I usually don't allow people to influence my decisions but my judgement was clouded temporarily because I was afraid of being hurt due to just getting out of a long term relationship. Not an excuse, but I plead temporary insanity.)


2. BD was not the package I thought my dream guy would be in. I'll explain this point in a moment, but I had a picture in my mind and when he arrived in my life, the two didn't match in my mind.


In my dreams, my ideal man was at least 6'0 but I had a preference for 6'2 or taller. I wanted a man who was close to my age, no more than 3-5 years older, never married and no kids. I wanted a corporate, suit and tie type of dude who can also switch up and rock tailored jeans and button downs out of work. In reality I wanted the male version of me - minus the height (we all know I'm a shortie, I'm only 4'11"). I wanted a man who could cook, who  was extremely romantic. A man who could make laugh and was spontaneous, etc. I really wanted a  man that would just be everything to me an was the male version of me. I wanted a person who did not exist and could not exist because I was expecting a man to be all things to me and that's just not how men, people for that  matter, operate.


BD came into my life when I was just getting out of my previous relationship  and I was really set that the next man who came into my life was GOING to meet my requirements and I wasn't going to have it any other way. Before I even met BD, I had it set in my mind that if he didn't fit my criteria I wasn't going to waste my time and for a short time, I acted as if BD was just someone cool to hang out with until I found what I wanted. I was ever so wrong to think that, because BD is everything I could ever want and need. Yes, he's 10 years older than me. Yes, he's been married before. Yes, he has a son. Yes, he's a cop. BD is definitely not what  I expected but certainly what I needed. Does he do things that drives me crazy? Yes. Do I do things that drive him crazy? ABSOLUTELY!!!!! At the end of the day, all that he is, is why I love him and everything I am, is why he loves me. The me I was a few years ago would have never opened up and accepted BD for who he is and the love he gives me, thank God for maturity and wisdom.     
    
I'm not advocating you give up your standards I'm just saying to keep your feet planted on the ground in reality instead of head high in the sky in fantasy. I'm not saying to settle for any man, but I am saying to compromise so that both you and your partner meet in a place that works best for both of you. The key is to understand settling vs. compromising. To settle for just anyone  is giving up on your core values for the sake of not being alone, but to compromise is to accept your differences without having to give up yourself. Relationships and life in general are all about compromising. We compromise when shop in a store in regards to quality and price, we compromise at work when issues arise, we compromise when it comes to family and friends; so why would you expect the person who you want as your life partner to be all things to you, knowing you probably aren't going to be all things to them? I've said this before and I'll say it again, you may have your list but so does the other person - they may meet your criteria, but the risk is, you may NOT fit theirs.    


Don't pass up anyone because he or she is not absolute perfection, just be happy with who they are, how they make you feel and content that even in spite of their flaws they are good enough for you. Life is full of surprises and you get more than you would ever expect when you just let love be and focus on the important details that will overall make you happy.

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